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Crystal Brooks (born Bernice Winchester) is a pop star and former Polk High School student who was suppose to be Bud Bundy's valentine in 1988. She appears in the Season 8 episode, "Valentine's Day Massacre".

She is played by actress Julie Condra.

Description[]

She appears to be a slim, beautiful woman in her early 20s. Kelly implies that back in high school, Crystal (a.k.a. Bernice) was not very good in sports as she got hit in the head a lot with soccer balls and is likely closer to Kelly's age, as they had P.E. class together.

Background[]

On Valentine's Day in 1994, as Kelly and Peg sort through old valentines card that Al gave to Peg in high school, they happen to stumble upon an unopened one designated for Bud. After Kelly decides to open it, she reveals to Peg that it was from a girl named Bernice Winchester and that she gave it to Kelly to give to Bud. She then notes that it was supposed to be given to him six years prior, in 1988.

When Bud, looking rather bitter and depressed after not getting a valentine's card this year, enters the house, Kelly decides to give it to him. At first, he refuses to believe her or Peg, noting that the previous cards he got came from Grandma Wanker or "Buck". Kelly then tells him that she meant to give it to him six years ago, but forgot (while also noting that she thinks of him as repulsive) and tries to convince him that a simple valentine's card means absolutely nothing. Upon reading it out loud, Kelly is proven wrong, as it states:

"Dearest Bud. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. My parents won't be home tonight, and I need you more than anything. Please don't stand me up, it would destroy me. Love, Bernice Winchester."

Bud, now even more upset, asks Kelly if she realizes who Bernice Winchester actually is. Despite pointing out that she went to Polk High with them and apparently wasn't very good at sports during P.E. class, Bud mentions that Bernice now goes by the name, Crystal Brooks and is a well known pop star.

After finding out Crystal was in Chicago for a concert and staying at the Emperor Hotel, he attempts to go to her room and apologize in person. His attempts fail though, due to her security guard standing in front of her room and quickly throwing Bud out of the area. Later, he steals a bellboy uniform to blend in, but is interrupted again, by one guest who made him walk a vicious dog and another guest, a fat woman named Rita, who forced him to have sex with her.

He finally gets his chance by tricking the security guard into stopping by Rita's room, where she forces him to have sex with her as well. Upon being greeted at the door, Bud pours his heart out and apologizes for not being there six years ago due to Kelly's forgetfulness. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that he spilled his heart out to a girl in Crystal's entourage. The real Crystal then appears and says that she heard his speech, but has moved on now. He then apologizes again and tells her that he's moved on up from their high school days, before trying to see if there is still any sort of chance, which she tells him no. He then says his goodbye as he and the security guard try to outrun Rita.

Later that night, Bud returns to the house and Kelly apologizes to him, promising to make sure that the next time he gets a valentine, that she will deliver it to him immediately. As Bud goes upstairs, the doorbell rings, with Crystal standing there. Kelly tells her that she'll get Bud for her, but Crystal tells her she can't stay too long, as she needs to get back to her concert. She reveals to Kelly that she had a change of heart and will give Bud one more chance. She then gives Kelly a personal invitation for Bud, saying that he can meet her at her hotel room after her concert. Kelly promises that she will tell Bud immediately before Crystal departs for her concert.

Just as Kelly goes to let Bud know about Crystal's invitation, her 11pm date, Pinworm, arrives. After Pinworm compliments her on how her butt looks in her dress, she suddenly forgets what she was supposed to do. She then remembers that she is supposed to wear a coat and leaves with Pinworm and Crystal's invitation in her hand, costing Bud his one last chance to finally be with Crystal.

Trivia[]

  • Julie Condra, who plays Crystal, previously appeared on Married... with Children in the Season 3 episode, "My Mom, the Mom", as Becky, one of Kelly's classmates who asks Peg questions at the Mother-Daughter Career Day event.
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