If I Were a Rich Man is the third episode of Season 2 of the FOX sitcom Married... with Children, as well as the 16th overall episode in the series. Written by Sandy Sprung and Marcy Vosburgh, the episode was directed by Linda Day and premiered on FOX on October 4, 1987.
When Steve's bank is suddenly short one million dollars after Steve and Al spend an evening in its vault, Steve and the rest of the Bundys assume that Al stole it and that, therefore, they are rich.
To be added.
- Ed O'Neill as Al Bundy
- Katey Sagal as Peggy Bundy
- Christina Applegate as Kelly Bundy
- David Faustino as Bud Bundy
- Amanda Bearse as Marcy Rhoades
- David Garrison as Steve Rhoades
- George Solomon as Announcer (voice only) (uncredited)
- Al: Ah! Got the whole house to myself. It's like I died and went to...
- Peggy: [enters from the front door] Hi, Al.
- Al: ... Hell.
- Peg: How was your day honey? [pats Al on the shoulder as she walks behind him]
- Al: Up till now, great! Today will go down in history as the day nothing went wrong!
- Peg: Ahh! [sits next to Al]
- Al: First, I caught all the green lights to and from work. Then, I heard three good songs in a row on the oldies station. But best of all, some fat woman came in the store and yelled at me. And she went out and fell right on her ass!
- Steve: Ok, Al, I'm ready....[gets up and files his documents] Al?
- Al: [offscreen] I'm the in vault.
- Steve: Oh... [shocked] The vault!
- [Steve runs in and sees Al standing inside near a smaller, open safe]
- Steve: Al, are you crazy?! This is a federal offense!
- Al: I was just looking [smiles and casually turns around, revealing that he has stacks of cash in his hands and several stacks tucked in his pants] Ok, I'm ready to go!
- Steve: Al, you can't touch this! [starts pulling the money out of Al's pants] This is money! [moves Al aside to put the cash back in the safe] Only the bank president and his squeeze are allowed to play with the money! [takes the cash out of Al's hands]
- Steve: [walking in the Bundy residence to confront Al] Listen, Al! Monday, when they check the duty roster, one word is going to coming down from above: "Rhoades"! And I will have one word for them: "Bundy"!
- Al: Listen, Steve, I didn't take it!
- Steve: Al, we're talking 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers! And don't think I'm serving time alone, Bunkie! If I'm gonna be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing the soap!
- [A radio announcer is heard while the camera pans around the empty Bundy living room]
- Radio Announcer: And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing: "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
- Al: [walks in, unaware of what just happened] I'm home!
- "If I Were a Rich Man" is a song from the 1964 musical Fiddler on the Roof.
- This is the first time Steve's workplace is shown.
- As evidenced by the production code, this was the fourth episode produced for the season, though it was the third episode aired.
- In this episode, Steve confirms that he got Marcy's old job at The Leading Bank of Chicago while she got a new managerial position at Kyoto National Bank,
- In the Season 1 finale, "Johnny Be Gone", Marcy told Peggy that the dinner party that she was hosting was in order to secure her chance at working for Kyoto National Bank, which would then give Steve the opportunity to take her old position.
- Al mentions that he is a fan of the Chicago Cubs baseball team.
- After Al grabs a beer, he starts singing "I'm a B-b-b-Bud man and C-c-c-Cubs Fan!". This is likely a reference to a series of advertisements for Budweiser beer featuring Chicago Cubs announcer, Harry Caray during the mid 1980s. 
- When Kelly writes down what she'll be getting with the money that Al supposedly stole from the bank, she mentions out loud "David Lee Roth chained to my bed!".
- David Lee Roth is a retired American musician who was best known for being the original lead singer of the rock band, Van Halen from 1974 to 1985 and again from 2007 until its disbanding in 2020, following the death of the band's guitarist, Eddie Van Halen.
- At the time this episode originally aired, Roth was recording his second solo album, Skyscraper.
- After Marcy hugs and kisses Steve, he mentions to Al "That's how they got Dillinger!" in reference to Chicago based gangster, John Dillinger.
- Bundy Living Room/Kitchen
- The Leading Bank of Chicago Entrance / Lobby
- Bank Vault
- When Al is reading the paper at the kitchen table, Peggy, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch. When Al speaks to them, Bud is standing next to the desk behind the couch.
- If I Were a Rich Man at the Internet Movie Database
- If I Were a Rich Man on Bundyology
- If I Were a Rich Man - First Draft Script on albundy.net
- If I Were a Rich Man - Transcript on albundy.net
- #16 If I Were a Rich Man - MWC Podcast on Horrorphilia