Married with Children Wiki

Ironhead Haynes is a former Polk High School student who became a hermit and lives atop of the tallest mountain in the state of Illinois.

The role of Ironhead was played by country music star Waylon Jennings.


After Al talks to his fellow NO MA'AM brothers about how the times are changing and people are becoming more politically correct, he tries to find a way to fight the change. He and most of the men then come up with the name, "Ironhead Haynes".

As Jefferson D'Arcy is younger than the rest of the group, he had no idea who Ironhead Haynes was. As local legend has it, Haynes was the manliest man to ever live. In seventh grade, he already had a wife, and a full beard. He had also taken out his own appendix using a pocket fisherman. Al informed the group that despite Haynes' athletic talent, he did not want to play football for Polk because Haynes refused to remove his spurs.

Al and the group decide to seek Haynes for advice, but they decide to wait for Al at the bottom. Al made it to the top of the mountain where Haynes lived alone. Al explains that people have become so sensitive about what people say and asks him what exactly does he believe in. He tells Al:

1. I believe when you gotta spit, you gotta spit and right now, I gotta spit.
2. I believe that everybody that's got more money than they can hold in both hand oughta give it all to me
3. I believe that all animals were put on this earth to make faces at me
4. I really believe that that damn doctor didn't have to put this plate in my head

Al then asks for specific advice on how to fight back against the changes. Haynes pulls out an acoustic guitar, strums a chord and sings out , "Nothing...!" and explains that men like him and Al are like dinosaurs.

Al, now dejected at hearing this (and seeing his destroyed football), wonders what to do, as the rest of the guys are waiting down the mountain and don't want to be told that life as they know it is truly over and they can never experience the past again. Haynes then further explains:

"The only problem with being a dinosaur is there ain't no future in it. But there is one hell of a past. Now what you need to do is act like the mighty Tyrannosaurus and leave deep prints... Let 'em know that you've been there."

Al eventually understands Haynes point and thanks him. He also asks if there is something that he could have of his, to show to the guys that he did in fact meet Haynes. After debating over his acoustic guitar that his beloved grandmother left him or a Victoria Secret's catalog, he opts to give Al the former.

After the guys believe Al may be dead now and try to eat his croissant, he stops them and presents the Nine Commandments written on the guitar body. Despite the advice written on it, the guys take the commandments and burn it for firewood and present Al with a Victoria Secret's catalog, losing all the knowledge that Ironhead Haynes tried to pass on to Al and other men.