This list contains the speeches that Al Bundy has delivered to people who were willing to hear him out
On Equality and Men Having Their Own Room[]
[After seeing Marcy and Steve discuss about have their add-on room become a home gym or recreation room with a pool table, Al and Peg split the couple up to discuss why each person is right. He then has Steve sit with him on the couch.] - Whose Room Is It Anyway? (Season 1)
"How you doing Steve. Are you comfortable?"
[Steve says yes and Al suddenly becomes agitated]
"How can you be without a backbone?! You know you damn well you and me wanted this pool table! How come she's the one racking the balls?!"
[Steve tells him that it was not worth fighting Marcy over. Al gives him a sarcastic answer]
"Well, sure! Our rights are not important! Anything a woman says is fine with us!"
"Jeez, when did men become such losers? Used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us, they'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?"
[Steve tries to answer but is cut off]
"I'll tell you what happened, Steve! Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing. It's killing us! You know who I blame?"
[Steve: "The French?"]
"I think it's this - this Curie guy started the whole thing. He's the guy that let his wife take the credit for discovering radium."
[Steve: "But she did discover radium."]
"Ah, probably because he left it out one night! That never would have happened if he had his own room. Einstein had his own room. You think Einstein invented the theory of relativity in his wife's exercise room? No. He was in his own room with the door closed. Now, you make the decision, Steve, but make the right one."
"Remember: a man's castle is his pants."
On Women and Their Role to Men[]
[Marcy is forced to take advice from Al after finding out that Steve is impotent due to her taking his car without permission and then denting it while he was out of town. She then asks Peggy to leave the room so there are no witnesses as she embarrasses herself by listening to Al.] - Impo-Dent (Season 2)
"Well Marcy what can I do for you"
[Marcy: "I need to know how to turn a man on"]
"Well I'm not a plastic surgeon, but I'll do what I can. See, Marcy, you touched Steve's car. Now what did Steve asked you not to do?"
[She meekly admits that she "touched his car" and repeats it a couple of times as he probes her, before she yells "So, what?!"]
"So what? So you disobeyed a man, which means you weren't doing your job as a woman. [gets up and walks around the couch] See, the thing is, women don't understand is that men don't really need them. See, if you want to talk to someone, you talk to the guys. If you want to have some fun, you go with the guys. If you want sex, you...[pauses for a moment] reminisce with the guys."
"Now, let's get back to women. What are they for? Two "C"'s: Cooking, Kitchen"
[Marcy comments on Al being a knuckle dragger, before he bids her good day. She then quickly apologizes as he continues his speech. He then walks back to the couch and takes a seat next to Marcy]
"So we've established that we don't need you. Now, let's ask ourselves "What the heck do we keep you around for?". It's because we're optimists. We believe that you can change. The world renowned social scientist, Mr. Hugh Hefner, has made great strides in that area."
[Marcy: "Get to it, Javaman!"]
"Very well. Marcy, your problem is... you're not servile enough!"
"So, young lady, if you want to save your marriage, you're going to have to learn to compromise a little bit. Put down that briefcase, pick up a dishrag and...be a woman!"
[Marcy berates him and views him as the lowest of the low. He then asks her if she will take his advice and she quietly agrees to do so. She meekly thanks him, before calling him "Pig" under her breath as she heads back home.]
On Men and Nature's Cruel Trick[]
[Steve is debating about shaving his new beard in order to return home and have sex with Marcy again. Al decides to sit him down and explain about what he has learned about life] - The Razor's Edge (Season 2)
"Steve, I'm going to tell you something I've learned about life. The way I see it, nature played a cruel trick on us."
[Steve quips about how it made them neighbors]
"Alright, two tricks, but I'm talking about the one that keeps us men from ruling the earth. See, nature gave men the urge...and women the answer. Sure, its not much, but its all they need. Gee, I wish nature gave us everything like the worm...or like that guy who works down at the antique store. But nobody asked me and now its too late."
[Steve imagines a picture of Marcy in a wet t-shirt and Al tries to get him to focus]
"See, the problem is women know we have these urges. But they have the same urges we do, they just don't show it because...well, that's how spiteful they are. But Steve, they need us just as much as we need them. Why? Because we can do the job and you can't take a battery home to meet your mother."
"There, I've said my peace. Now, what are you going to do about, buddy?"
[Steve decides to ignore Al and to shave, saying that it itches and he looks stupid in it]
"I know you do Steve, but at least you got your pride. Ah, a guy like like you can get sex anytime he wants to [rolls his eyes back], but it's pride that keeps our pants up, Steve. Just say no!"
Why Al is Not A Loser[]
[Al decides to confront the librarian, Miss DeGroot on her last day at work, after being publicly shamed for trying to return his book over 30 years later. As she packs up, she admits that she hated him as a 9 year old boy and is happy to have seen him grow up into a total loser and his shame is the equivalent of her retirement gift, a gold watch] - He Thought He Could (Season 3)
"So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate? A family that doesn't respect me? A whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean "loser" to you, but let me tell you something."
"Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments, to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you."
"I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head."
"But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life."
"And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"
What Labor Day Means to Al Bundy[]
[As the Bundys and Rhoades gets ready for their Labor Day cook out, Al decides to give everyone a lecture about what Labor Day means. Through out his speech, everyone else seems to be extremely bored] - Hot off the Grill (Season 4)
"Labor Day... what does it mean to us?"
"To answer that question, [Al uses one of the grilling tools to scratch his back] we must hark back to earlier times"
"You see kids, while the cave woman sat around, getting fat, smoking cigarettes and watching "The Phil Javaman Show", the cave man braved the elements, risking life and limb and the prehistoric beast, with only the hair on his back."
[Some time later]
"In 1492, Columbus, brought Labor Day to America..."
[Some time later]
"...and the women, still did nothing!"
"And that's what Labor Day means to me."
[Steve begins to wonder if Al is done, but instead, he makes them all stand and listen to Peg sing an off-key rendition of the "Star-Spangled Banner"]
What Truly Reeks about Labor Day[]
[After Peggy tells Al that he reeks for making Kelly cry about their Labor Day, he starts his speech] - We'll Follow the Sun (Season 5)
"I reek? I? I, who only wanted to share the joy and brotherhood of a family outing, reek. Well, let me tell you what reeks, okay?"
[He then gets out of the car, stands on top of the car hood to speak to the fellow drivers stuck there]
"Now what reeks is this facade that we call 'Labor Day'. Honk if you hate Labor Day!"
[All the drivers on the expressway honk their horns.]
"You know what else reeks? Families reek. Honk if you hate families!"
[All the drivers honk their horns again, louder this time.]
"Because they are truly the reason Labor Day reeks. Once a year, they're on these highways and byways. And what do they say?":
[in a whiny voice]
We hate this.
We hate you.
Idiot.
Moron.
[Kelly chimes in and suggests, "Buffoon, daddy"]
Buffoon daddy.
"But what about us... the ones who truly labor? We're on this stinking road every day, choking and wheezing, marching along like lemmings to a horrible, screaming death. Who cries for us, Argentina? Not our families... well, we can't expect that. The yoke on the oxen feels no guilt... But what we can expect is that on our one lousy stinkin' day off, traffic can move us to our lousy stinkin' pathetic destinations."
[the other drivers begin to really listen to Al nod in agreement]
"To our polluted beaches, our burning forests, our wheezing grandmas... To our family barbecues with Uncle Otto and his runny eye. But does the highway department prepare for us? Are they out here helping us? Are they out there in front of us by that first damn car that caused this traffic jam, saying, 'Step on the gas, you moron! Let the 20 million people pass!'? They are not. Why? Because they don't care."
"And that, my friends, is what really reeks!"
[All the drivers honk their horns again and agree with Al]
"So let's face it: we're not moving. We're just lining up to die. But let's show them that the American spirit is not dead. So join me, will you, on this, our Labor Day, and get out of your cars, and tear this highway to bits!"
[The drivers exit their vehicles and search for tools to use]
"Go into your trunks, get your tire irons and your road flares. Burn, baby, burn! Vengeance is ours!"
On Reclaiming His Bathroom[]
[Al stands in line outside of a gas station bathroom with a group of guys. They all lost their home bathroom due to the women in their lives taking it over. Moments later, the gas station bathroom is deemed "Out of Order" and they realize they don't have many local options left] - A Man's Castle (Season 5)
"Now wait a minute guys...I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but.. what are we doing? We're men! We were put on this planet to...well, I don't know what we were put on this planet to do, but we're here, damn it!"
"And we're Americans! And we have a right the use the best toilet system in the free world! Are we to use a gas station bathroom like... like some common Russki? We're being driven from our homes, room by room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun."
"And from whom? From our women! They've taken over our closets, driven us out of our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doody Dandy...Tonight I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl!"
[The men cheer Al on as he walks back home, but they aren't as moved, as they seem more content on seeing just how bad the clogged toilet can be.]
On Women from an American Male's Perspective[]
[Al stands at Speaker's Corner in London, England and speaks to the crowd there about women] - England Show (Part 1) (Season 6)
"I like to talk to you today about women. I don't like them!"
"Now I mean you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean you're sitting at home, watching sports and that's the exact time they pick to plant their ever widening...what you call 'bums'...next to you and they ask: "Remember that restaurant that we went to 18 years ago? Did you think that waitress was pretty?""
"Then you tell them to shut up and they get mad! Then they start to cry. Then you get mad because you can't hear the game, which I think was their modus operendi all along."
"Now I'm not proposing a solution, cause I gotta go soon. I see my wife looking."
[Peggy stands with arms crossed and gives him a dirty look]
"But I just want to say, "I don't like 'em!". Now can I get a hearty "Whoa, women!, I don't like 'em!""
[Al and the men in attendance put their hands out as he leads them in a Whoa Bundy! ]
"Whoooaaa, women! I don't like 'em!"
[One of the women hits her husband with her purse for joining in. As Al is about to leave, he turns around and asks the audience one more question]
"Oh, by the way. Am I alone here in hating the French?"
[They let out a resounding "No!" and he smiles with satisfaction]
"I thought not."
On Home and Border Protection[]
[Al gives his closing statement to the judge after being sued for $50,000 by a burglar who broke into the Bundy residence] - Un-Alful Entry (Season 7)
"Your Honor, even a man of obvious limited intelligence as yourself can judge this case. I have been in court on a thousand trumped up charges. Some real. Some imaginary. The point is I lost all of them. I don't know the law nor I do I really know how to pleasure a woman. I have no interest in either."
"But let me ask you one important question: How did we become a great country?"
"By kicking the heinies of anybody who threatened our boarders. And that's what I was doing! I was protecting my border! If a man comes into my house, he better be carrying a summons or a pizza! [points to the robber] But this man wasn't, so I called in the Marines [makes a fist with his right hand] and the 51st Airborne [makes a fist with his left hand]."
"So, in conclusion, Your Honor, if you rule against me, you rule against every man who fought for his country:"
The Boys at San Juan Hill
The Boys at Iwo Jima
Audie Murphy
Eddie Murphy
Murphy Brown
Brown-N-Serve Sausage
The cheap brown shoes that every working man is proud to use to kick the heinie of any man who invades his home!
"Your Honor, I await your decision"
On Why Men Do What They Do For Women[]
[After surviving multiple beatings from Ray-Ray and his gang and several rounds of sex with Peg, Al confronts Ray-Ray one last time] - Hood 'n the Boyz (Season 8)
[Ray-Ray: "What is it with you, Bundy? Still not getting enough curve in your diet? I mean, we knock you around, you come back. Why? Why do you do it?"]
"For the same reason men climb mountains or sail across the sea alone. For the only reason that a rational man would do an irrational thing like this".
[Ray-Ray: "Pride".]
"No, women."
"I'm a moron, Ray-Ray. We're all morons. That's what comes from being a man. From the first little worm they dare us to eat to the last big shovel full of snow they convince us we can move, we're nothing more to women than an amusement park ride with life insurance. Why else would we do the idiotic things that we do? For example, you ski?"
[Ray-Ray scoffs and says "No"]
"Well, you will someday if a girl wants you to. We all will. We'd hurdle down the mountain so fast that the crack of our bodies hitting the tree wouldn't even resonate in their ears before we'd pounce up and say 'I'm OK.' They know were not OK. Hell, even if they miss that pair of squirrels running away with our hackysacks, one glance down at the color of the snow would hint that there might be some trauma."
"And we’ve all been to the weight room when a pretty girl walks by and said to ourselves “Gee I think I’ll start today’s warm up bench pressing oh, nine tons."
"So, you see Ray-Ray, as long as there’s women, there will be men around doing stupid things to impress them. That’s why I’m here. That’s why you’re here. That’s why they're here."
"Now, someday, you may evolve beyond this, but it’s too late for me. I’m too old, too married, and lost far too many hackysacks."
On Living with Women[]
[After hearing on the news that Peggy's boudoir photo at the mall was taken down by F.A.N.G., who then threw a naked Jefferson into the fountain by an unnamed body part] - Honey, I Blew Up Myself (Season 8)
"Women!"
"Can't live with them! Can't herd them all into Canada"
On Living with Women Part 2[]
[Al and Peggy walk in and ruin Bud's opportunity for sex with Lisa Pruner. As "Lonely Boy" plays over the radio, Al tries to comfort his son] - Get Outta Dodge (Season 8)
"Women!"
"Can't live with them! The end!"
On Why Television is Not The Problem[]
[Al and members of NO MA'AM have the floor at the U.S. Senate to discuss why Psycho Dad should be back on television. The show had been cancelled, thanks to Marcy and her feminist group, due to it being the most violent show on television.] - I Want My Psycho Dad: Second Blood (Part 2) (Season 9)
"Senators...and Senatorettes. Since man has evolved from the mighty atom, he has searched endlessly for two things. The other is entertainment. Entertainment was easy for the simple caveman. Man brought home food, woman burned it. Giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, she falls in mud, a good laugh was had by all."
[Senator Furhman bangs his gavel, then tells Al to sit down and lets the other members of NO MA'AM speak. The points that the other members bring up seem to only make things worse before Al steps back in to drive his point home.]
"But our point here is we know where real violence comes from. And it's not from that magic box I like to call TV. Oh sure, the tube can be blamed for a lot of things:"
Brent Musberger
"Full House"
Any show where overweight female cop dress up as hookers...
"But violence? That's too easy. We've all been brought up on Roadrunner cartoons and The Three Stooges, but how many of us have run a saw across a bald guy's head? How many of us have drawn a tunnel on the side of a mountain, only to watch our loved ones smash themselves into it?"
"And you know why?"
"Because we had parents, ladies and gentlemen. Parents who said "Don't do what TV tells you to do, do what we tell you to do, or it's "five across the eyes!" "
[Al angrily imitates slapping someone with the back his hand and the other NO MA'AM members try to calm him down]
"Anyway, I say if there's a problem with TV today, it's because parents aren't saying that anymore. Take my kids... Please."
[Al's joke is met with deafening silence and shifts the blame to Jefferson, who then jokes, "Kennedy's on the floor"]
"Anyway, my kids may not be angels, but when they screw up, I don't blame TV. I put the blame squarely where it belongs...on their mother."
"...And rap music."
[Griff gets into an argument with the others, as he is the only one who actually likes rap music before Al gets them to focus]
"So in conclusion, I'd like to say the next time you want to find the source of violence, try looking on the other side of the screen."
"Thank you,... and... God save the Queen."