Valentine's Day Massacre is the 17th episode of Season 8 of Married... with Children, also the 174th overall series episode. Directed by Gerry Cohen and written by Cindy Begel, it premiered on FOX-TV on February 13, 1994.
Synopsis[]
Bud learns about an old Valentine which Kelly has forgotten to tell him about. She is now a famous singer and Bud tries to meet her. Meanwhile, Al shops for Valentine's Day gifts to give to Peggy.
Storyline[]
In this episode, a big brawl ensues when Al battles other husbands at a store for last-minute Valentine's Day shoppers. Meanwhile, Bud gets both physically abused (by the bodyguard) and sexually abused (by an amorous neighbor) in a hotel when trying to find his long-lost Valentine's girl from six years earlier. The girl, Crystal Brooks, whom Kelly neglected to inform him about, is now a famous pop star.
Recurring Cast/Regulars[]
- Amanda Bearse as Marcy D'Arcy
- Ted McGinley as Jefferson D'Arcy
- Buck the Dog as Buck Bundy
Guest starring[]
- Julie Condra as Crystal Brooks (as Julie Condra-Douglas)
- Avner Garby as Omar
- Jane Lynch as Greta
- Paddi Edwards as Betty
- Charles Bouvier as Mac
- Dan Doherty as Bodyguard
- Jeff Bennett as Mayhem
- David Carrera as Pinworm
- Lorna Scott as Rita
- "Judo" Gene LeBell as Elevator rider (uncredited)
- Frank Lloyd as Customer (uncredited)
Quotes[]
- [Bud, in a stolen bellboy's uniform and carrying an ice bucket, stops in front of a nearby room as he plans to sneak past Crystal Brook's bodyguard]
- Bud: [to himself, while observing the bodyguard] Okay, Sasquatch. It's checkout time.
- [As Bud readjusts his cap, the nearby door opens up. A very large older woman wearing eyeglasses and lingerie named Rita steps out]
- Rita: [grinning, as she looks at Bud and twirls her feather boa] Oh good, they sent a cute one this time.
- Bud: Huh? What?
- [after a moment, a look of terror sweeps across Bud's face, as he finally realizes what is about to happen to him]
- Bud: [horrified, whimpering] Oh, for the love of God, no! Noooo!
- [Rita grabs Bud by his arm and forcefully throws him into her room and shuts the door]
- Bud: [offscreen, from inside the room] HELP ME-EEEE!
- [Rita quickly opens her door and puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it, then goes back in, as the sound of commotion begins]
- Bud: [offscreen, from inside the room] MOM-MMMYY!
- [Al is at the Valentine's Store, waiting for his number to be called]
- Betty: Now serving number 2009. [leans onto the counter and resumes smoking her cigarette]
- Al: That's me! [gets up and runs over to the counter] I'd like... uh, one dozen red roses.
- Betty: [turns back and calls out to someone from the pass through window] One bouquet of "Wallet-Breakers"!
- [A moment later, two armed security guards come out from the back, with one clutching onto the bouquet, as the other has hand over his gun holster]
- Betty: Okay, sir, now how do you intend to pay? Cash, check, or deed to your house?
- Al: Do you take blood?
- [Betty flashes a sadistic grin at Al and points behind him. As he turns around to look, the camera now shows a man laying on a gurney looking extremely pale and weak, with two bags containing his blood next to him. Sitting near him is a nurse who then hands him a small paper cup with orange juice]
- [Peggy marches upstairs after getting upset due to Al not being able to figure out what it means to be romantic]
- Al: [to Peggy, confidently] Don't tell me what's romantic! I know what's romantic!
- [Al turns around and notices Kelly walking by him as she heads to the couch with a plate in hand]
- Al: [meekly] Kelly, what's romantic?
- Kelly: Daddy, you know... [Al follows her and they take a seat on the couch] Women like candy and flowers and cards. Not the kind with some naked fat chick on it going "I know it's around here somewhere!".
- Al: [shrugs] I like that one.
- [The doorbell rings, causing Kelly to get up and walk to the door]
- Kelly: Daddy, it's Valentine's Day! Women like men to be sweet and sensitive.
- [opens front door, revealing a leather-clad slovenly scoundrel standing in the doorway]
- Mayhem: [walks in while looking down Kelly dress] Whoa, babe, your knobs look huge! You ready?
- Kelly: [offended] Yes, and don't call me "babe"! [stands next to Mayhem and puts her arm around him while proudly smiling at Al] Daddy, this is my Valentine's date, Mayhem.
- Al: [apoplectic] Charmed!
- Kelly: Bye! [puts on her coat and the couple leave]
Notes[]
Title[]
- The title of this episode likely a reference to the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, a murder that took in place on Valentine's Day 1929 in Chicago that involved seven members of Chicago's North Side Gang shot execution style.
- It may also be a reference to 1969 film of the same name, which was based on that event.
Trivia[]
- Crystal sent Bud the valentine 6 years earlier, which would have been 1988, during the second season of Married...with Children.. In that season's Valentine's Day episode, "Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" Bud had a date with April May June, his first valentine.
- Julie Condra, who plays Crystal Brooks, previous appeared on Married...with Children as Kelly's classmate, Becky, in the season 3 episode, "My Mom, the Mom".
- The song that plays during the fight, "My Funny Valentine", was previously sung by Marcy in the season 3 Valentine's Day episode, "Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah".
- Frank Lloyd, who previously played Al's friend Norris, makes an uncredited appearance as one of the Valentine's Store customers who get thrown over the display by two guys during the fight.
- Martial arts expert and MWC guest star, "Judo" Gene LeBell makes an uncredited appearance as one of the elevator riders that Bud is thrown into during his first attempt to meet Crystal.
Cultural References[]
- Marcy blames Merlin Olsen and the "Hershey Candy Mob" for Valentines Day being commercialized and degrading.
- Merlin Olsen was a former NFL player who at the time of this episode, served as the spokesman for flower delivery company, FTD.
- He was previously mentioned in the season 6 episode "Just Shoe It".
- The Hershey Company is one of the largest chocolate manufacturers in the world.
- Merlin Olsen was a former NFL player who at the time of this episode, served as the spokesman for flower delivery company, FTD.
- After having sex with Rita, Bud says that he now "know[s] how Tom Arnold feels!", referring to the actor who at the time of this episode, was married to comedian Roseanne Barr.
- When Bud describes his "romantic" encounter with Rita to Kelly, he says that he's learned "In space, no one really can hear you scream.", it is a reference to the 1979 science fiction film, Alien.
- Al calls Jefferson "Judas" when he comes with a bouquet and chocolates, referring to the biblical figure who betrayed Jesus Christ.
- Bud tells the bodyguard that he may mistaken him for something from Wham-O a toy company known for introducing the Hula Hoop and Frisbee to the American public.
- Crystal mentions comedian Howie Mandel as being her opening act. During the originally airing, he was also known for working on the FOX animated series Bobby's World.
Music[]
- "Finale (March of the Swiss Soldiers)" from the "William Tell Overture" by Gioachino Rossini is played over the scene of Bud screaming as he is dragged around the hotel by Winkie the dog.
- "My Funny Valentine" is heard during the fight between Al and several men for the last Valentine's Day card.
Locations[]
- Bundy Residence
- Valentine's Day Store
- Emperor Hotel
Sets[]
- Bundy Living Room / Kitchen
- Valentine's Day auction stand / cashier
- Emperor Hotel Floor / Elevator
Goofs[]
- In the first scene, Kelly and Peg are looking at Peg's Valentines and Kelly is reading from a pink Valentine's Day card. When they switch cameras and Peggy laughs after hearing what Al wrote, it's a totally different red card in her hands.
- On the Valentine's day card that Kelly forgot to pass onto Bud, the envelope clearly has no writing on either side, but Peggy automatically knows that it is for Bud without opening it.
- Bud steals the bellhop's uniform and then is later shown looking disheveled after sex and being injured by the bodyguard, Winkie the dog and people in the elevator. Yet, towards the end of the episode, he is somehow able to get his regular clothes back and look completely clean and uninjured when he finally meets Crystal.
- Bud ends up giving his speech to a member of Crystal Brooks' entourage, not realizing that it wasn't Crystal until later. Surely, Bud would have recognized that it wasn't Crystal who opened the door right away if she is a well known pop star as he and Kelly pointed out at the beginning of the episode. Additionally, when Crystal arrives at the Bundy residence, she remembers Kelly, yet Kelly does not seems to recognize her, despite going to school together and more recently knew her now as an established pop star as mentioned earlier.